What is it?

There is this one guy I have been friends with benefits with him for one year now, and I don't really know what to do now. I don't really have like strong feelings for him, but I kinda like him but I have my doubts.

Why? Doubt him when you don't have strong feelings about him, when the relationship you have with him is good enough?
Well since I have been busy with him, I haven't really felt like going on dates with other people because some part of me has the feeling I am kinda dating him. And that I don't need anybody else and just him, eventhough we are not together it kinda felt like cheating if I did it with someone else when he is in the same city. But I had no trouble being with someone else when he was in a different country. Well at least that was so when we just started.
But how longer we are together how harder it became for me to be with someone else. Now this month has been the first time in a long time that I have slept with someone else then this guy, and it felt kinda strange at first. Because I feel like there is some kind of connection between us but I am not sure yet what.

What my problem is I am afraid to ask him what he wants out of this. When we are together it feels like we are sort of a couple, we can talk about everything and we cuddle and give kisses. So that feels right and good to me, that is what I really like about him, but than the fact that he has a son who is almost an adult and our age different is quitte big if I say might say so. Also I feel like he has already done everything he wanted to do in his life and I am still exploring mine and see, what I can do. With him I have the feeling he is okay, with how everything is going. Not having to explain where he will be or who is going with, not having to go on dates all the time. Just when he wants to hit me up and we choose a date and I come by, sometimes we eat something together and than do the thing where we came for and than talk inbetween it. And that just feels right.

So what am I suppose to do? Should I just leave it how it is and try to date in te meanwhile or just see how this will go with him?

One part of me wants to be with him because he helped me with alot of things and everything feels just right with him. Also I don't feel like he fullfills me but just adds something good in my life. But the other part of me thinks it is not good to be with him. Only because his way of having a relationship and the person he is, is so different of what I would like it to be. And it might be good for me, but I would think go crazy about him. Eventhough I know I can trust him and all that but it just a part of me that I really don't like. The jelaous girl I can be is so annoying and is not a part of me I don't want to have and don't want to be. Not a lot of people know this, but I can hide this part really good, so only the people who truly know me have knowledge of this part of me.

But for now I will leave it for how it is, because I don't know what I want too. Also I don't want tor ruin everything I have with him now. Cause I don't want to go searching for someone els to share everything with now. As soon as I find someone or he finds someone else will see what happens than, but for sure at the moment we are good for what we have.

Is it faith when you meet someone after 2 years again? Or just pure coincidence.
.

The first time I met him was during a sport tournement and I haven't spoke to him. We played against eachother, and he was the guy who kicked me during the match. It might be not what he wanted to do, but it still happend. 

Now 2 years later he shows up at my work and is talking to the managers, just when I started my first training group of the year. We might work for the same company but I haven't seen or spoken to this guy in 2 years, we only spoke shortly during the tournement. I didn't even know his name, but the moment I saw him there was something about him that attracted me to him. I think he had the same feeling. 

Why? 

I walked to him and asked him if he was the guy who kicked me and almost broke my legs. Well excatly I didn't have to ask him that, he just said he was the guy who kicked me and said he was sorry again, that he didn't meant to do that. So he didn't do it on purpose. 

And I think that is what got us connected to eachother, the fact that our first meeting was like that. We made fun of eachother from the first moment on, because our fist meeting was not your typical meeting 2 years ago. 

The days after that we started talking more and started getting a good connection. I don't know what really happened between us, but it was something special for my feeling. We started sort of flirting and making jokes and doing everything we could do for one another. 

Every time he walked in he asked me to go have some breakfest, to go for a smoke, or just sit next to me and just starts talking to me. Every time he was sitting somewhere around me, and everybody knew we liked one other and started to make jokes about this, to him and me. In the beginning it was oke and were just talking, and some touchings on the arm or the back or the head. Just a little different than you normally do with other co-workers. 

For me it was clear he really liked me as a person, because he liked to hang around with me. Keeps asking me for a smoke or just to go for a beer after work. He always asked me for the sigaret things, and most of the times I had those things for him. He was always there for me when I needed his help for some of the things. 

The funny thing I noticed about him was, the moment I was not there at work because I was giving training. He always asked the other trainer where I was, even before saying good morning to him. The moment I arrived at work after giving the training, he was always the first one to spot me before I even walked in the door. Was always reacting happy to see me and most of the time immediatly wanted to talk to me about everything. Or asking me to go for a smoke or just coming to sit next to me to talk about work or every day things. He has always been extra nice to me and kinda flirting with me. There was one day where I came back from giving training and we were talking with coworkers, but than started talking with each other. Or kinda annoying one another and for me it felt like the usual way of talking to him, but for other people it was a lot like flirting. And even one coworker joked that he felt sick and said than oh wait these two are together again. Apparently we were so bad flirting even though we were in the middle of alot of coworkers. But for me it is just the way I have always talked to him or went around with him. 

I had a lot of fun times with him, even went to the beach with him and his girlfriend and some friends of him. They are really nice people, I think his girlfriend even likes me because she was trying to talk to me eventhough her English is not good enough. So that was alot of fun. But the time we went to the beach, he spent alot of time with me asking me to go swimming, go for a beer. And also on that day we were kinda flirting with eachother, but not to much because of his girlfriend. 

The first time I met him I exctally didn't know he had a girlfriend or not, because he never really spoke about her when he was around me. But I started asking more questions about it en eventally he told me he had one. I one time when we had lunch he invited her to so that was the first time I met her and after that we started saying hi whenever we see eachother. 

After the day on the beach his friends also began to like me and when I met them again at a big work party, they even introduced me to more of their friends even before the guy did. So I start to being more in his circle, with his Portugese friends, what is kinda funny. 

I think he also likes hanging around me because he is starting a new project and in the 2 months he has been sitting with us. He has seen what I do for my job and what I have learned in such a small period of time and not with a lot of guideniss. And I know he still needs a trainer for his project and he wants me to be this trainer. He keeps saying it to everybody and asking everybody if I can come with him. Sometimes I don't know if he is joking or if he is serious about this. Because he also keeps joking with other people about this. 

But when we are just the two of us during breakfest or during a break he always wants to talk about the supervisors or about the fact that he wants me as trainer and what is expecting of me than. So when we are together we are in fact talking about simple things but also alot about work and what is in our minds, how we would like to see things. So at those moments I know he is true, but when we are with other people I don't know if he is joking or not. So I don't really know if he wants to take me to his project because of the professional I am or he just wants to keep me around him. Sometimes it is really difficult to say with him. 

I have to say the fact I saw him again a few months ago made me want to be a better professional not only to show him I am good at what I do, but also to show to other people that even though I don't have a lot of experience and I am young. I am still someone who learns quick doens't need a lot help to do what I have to do. I deliver what I need to deliver and try to deliver more than is needed, because I always try to be the best eventhough I know it not possible always try to find the limit to work on it. 

To be honest one side of me wish I could see how far I could take it with him and if we would be a good match or not. Only because you can see and feel that we have some kind of tenstion but we both know we can't be together. He is happy with his girlfriend and I don't think he could give me what I need in a relationship and I don't think that I could give him what he needs. Defintly with his 3 kids would be really weird. Next to that I don't really speak his langue, so it would be really hard communicating with them. Maybe it is just that I am afraid to take the step and that I am not ready to be serious right now. And his girlfriend is really nice, so I would't want to break that up. I don't want to be that person to break up something good what people have.

This is just a little part I like to share with you, my thoughts and feelings about this guy.